The last year of my fourth decade...

Tomorrow will usher in my 49th birthday and the beginning of my 50th year on this planet called Earth.

I'm hearing a lot of things from friends and family this weekend.  Some are telling me how great I look to be *gasp* almost 50 years old.  Others are telling me that I'm getting old and should start shopping for Depends.  One person couldn't believe that we have known each other nearly 40 years while a couple friends are telling me how difficult it's going to be emotionally for me to turn "half a century" old next year.

I beg to differ.

It seems that some folks use birthdays almost as a countdown towards death...as if each year means another step closer to the grave.  They are constantly reminded of the mortality of their physical existence and look at it as something that should be dreaded.  Most of the time they are able to keep those thoughts blocked out of their minds, but on birthdays, especially the '0' years, the thoughts rush back to them.

I've never had any emotional distress at the thought of getting older.  I do look at myself in the mirror on occasion and wish I were 50 pounds lighter and in better shape, but I know I can change those aspects of myself.  I've never cared much about how many years I have under my belt...just how much fat resides there.

Besides, it does no good to worry how old you are.  You can control many aspects of getting older by taking care of yourself, exercising, watching your food intake, etc.  But, you cannot control how old you are.  To me, death is a reminder that we should cherish each and every day in this physical existence...to tell those we care about how much we love them.  To patch up old friendships and put aside petty differences.  To look past political, cultural and religious differences to see the things we all have in common as human and spiritual beings.

Unfortunately, at some point we all buy in to the shallow and superficial world of material possessions, unrealistic body image given to us by Hollywood, and the belief that as we get older we no longer have anything of value to offer to this world.  Pop culture treats getting older as a curse...if we're not 19 and built like a Greek Olympian, then we are disposable.  Or if we do exist, it's as a caricature of a human being...a bitter stereotype who hates young people and has an unpleasant smell.  Older people in most television and movies are not revered for their wisdom and experience...they're portrayed as out of touch, ignorant, and stupid.  Only the young people can solve problems and make any positive contribution to society in these "harmless" fantasies created by network executives and marketed to capture the attention of their targeted demographics.  I'm sorry, but I just don't buy into it.

I think we are all valuable in this world.  I look at people who came before me as a window to a different time...such as my grandparents who talked to me about growing up during the depression and living through the rationing of World War II.  The amount of sacrifice that was required during these difficult times was incredible.  But then I look at folks today and people who think that sacrifice is going without Starbucks for a day.

At any rate, I have faith that the universe will unfold as it should.  I believe that when my time on this earth has ended, I'll move on to the next plane and reflect on these experiences.  I hope that at the end of my life, I will be able to say that I have grown spiritually and that I have given love to everyone around me.  I may disagree with folks about certain things or even sometimes sever relationships over irreconcilable differences....but I always try to love and forgive.  Being bitter or holding grudges against folks is not good for the soul...it's like drinking poison and hoping the other person dies from it.

Okay...sorry.  My automated "mindless babbling" alert just popped up!  I'll wrap this up for today.

Blessings and light to you all!

Happy Thanksgiving!

I hope that each of you had a wonderful Thanksgiving day.  We sure did.  Quanna and her parents hosted a HUGE Thanksgiving feast today that was absolutely amazing.  I am recovering from all the food and fellowship this evening and I think I increased my mass so much that I'm capturing small satellites in my gravitational field.  But, I wouldn't change a thing about the day!

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James and Justin spent the day decorating our house for Christmas.  There are lights outside along the garage and entire front of the place.  There's an inflatable Santa along with a sleigh and reindeer that light up; plus multi-colored lights draw a line along the sidewalk leading up to our front door.  It is absolutely beautiful outside our home.

Inside, we have a Christmas village that lights up with moving parts here and there; along with a Santa Mickey and a beautiful Christmas tree and gift boxes that light up beneath it.  We're not quite done yet as there are several other ornaments that need to be set up.  Plus, we have a train set that will run around the Christmas tree.  It will be quite the festive atmosphere at Chez Brave-Fisher this year!

I made a decision about the YouTube channel.  I've written an outline for the first 5 episodes, a script for the first two, and original music for three episodes.  I am sitting up the camera, lights, and sound system in the garage this weekend to film the first of the five on Sunday.  I will keep you posted.

I hope that as we officially kick off this holiday season that you each look in your heart and find something of which you are truly thankful.  This is the season of giving thanks and of being with family.  I am blessed to have my mom and Aunt Sandra for the next two months and I plan to enjoy every moment with them I can.

Sending love and light to each of you on this blessed day!

Ray

YouTube channel...

As a follow up to my previous post about a lack of creative expression lately...I have been wanting to do a YouTube series for a while, but I don't know what the focus should be.  Before my move to Eureka a couple of years ago, I had played with the idea of a theater video blog and doing stories of local companies and upcoming shows, etc.  I called it Spotlight Sacramento and actually filmed and edited one episode; but, once James and I were planning the move out of the area, the series died.

I've been thinking of it again lately, but I'm not sure I want to do a web series with just a local focus.  I've had some ideas, but not sure which direction I'd like to go.  I've debated several formats...such as a regular comedic series with different original skits.  I had also thought about a spotlight show with some of my favorite singers in town where we talk, sing a couple of numbers, etc.  But, then I run into copyright issues unless we do all original songs.

I wrote and filmed an original comedy piece a year or so ago where I played 4 different roles.  It was a family of gospel singers from the south and it's based on people I used to work with in the Christian music industry.  I wasn't happy with the final product, but I've since re-written it and have thought about doing it as a bi-weekly series.  I would produce and film two separate episodes a month and publish them to YouTube.  It takes a lot of time, but I think it would be fun.  The premise is this family of amateur gospel singers who raise enough money to produce a cable access show.

Since I have such an interest in new age spirituality, I also thought of a video blog discussing meditation, Reiki healing, psychic phenomena, ghost hunting, etc.  And that would be a lot of fun, too...especially since I have such a network of friends now who are of a like mind on this subject.

Or I also have an interest in politics...I wouldn't mind doing a non-partisan editorial discussion of issues and candidates.  I am surprising a lot of people by supporting Republican candidate Tom Campbell in the 2010 California gubernatorial race.  I am a fiscal conservative at heart and was a registered Republican for 10 years before the party got hijacked by social conservatives.  Though I tend to vote Democratic now, I am actually a registered independent and I think the time is ripe for a third party to rock the current political landscape.

So, you see...I'm at a crossroad trying to make a decision.  Thoughts from any of you guys?

Finding my passion...

I’m asking myself that these days…where is my passion? I seem to have lost it somewhere and I’m not sure where to look.

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I’m not talking about my love life because I am very happy with my husband. He grounds me and keeps me sane. I love him more and more each day and I know he is the one I should be with. So, don’t confuse the passion of which I speak with romantic or sexual passion.

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I know I am on the right path in many areas of life…job, relationship, friendships, spiritual development etc. But, I seem to be missing it in other areas surrounding my creative side. Theater used to be my creative outlet, but I don’t have the fire for it anymore. I had a great time doing Big Bad Wolf because the time commitment was not too demanding and the cast was amazing, but the thought of doing an evening show makes me wince. I can’t handle that much time for 5 or 6 days a week. Nearly every time I’ve done a show in the last few years, I’ve come down with bronchitis or even pneumonia due to the demanding rehearsals plus work schedules. Maybe I’m just getting too old to handle the stress. I don’t know.

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But, theater is not my only creative outlet. Music is a big one, but I haven’t sung in 2 ½ years. I play and record things at home on occasion, but it’s difficult to find that time very often. My average day is like this:

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  5:15am – Wake up and shower.
  
  
  
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  5:45am – Cook breakfast, make lunch and out the door by 6:10am.
  
  
  
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  6:30am – Start work.
  
  
  
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  4:pm – Usually out of the office no later than 4pm, but then sometimes I show houses 3 or 4 nights per week.
  
  
  
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  6pm – Get home, cook dinner and prepare lunch for next day.
  
  
  
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  7pm – Minimum one hour meditation and prayer.
  
  
  
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  8pm – Spend some time with the dogs.
  
  
  
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  9pm – Wind down and get to bed by 9:30pm.
  
  
  

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The nights I don’t show houses, I am home by 5pm which gives me a little time to relax before cooking dinner. Weekends are also spent showing houses for 3 or 4 hours during the day both Saturday and Sunday. Then try to clean house or do yard work and then squeezing in classes in hypnosis or Reiki…and of course, trying to find time to spend with James. Right now, his nights off are Monday and Tuesday, but that can change from week to week.

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So, you can see that it is difficult to even find time right now for that creative expression and it’s manifesting itself in dreams. I dream of touring as a musician OR singing onstage OR acting in a play almost every night. I even had a wonderful dream a few months ago that I was the officiate at a wedding ceremony that was a musical. I, along with the bride and groom with the wedding party acting as a chorus, sang the entire thing. It was amazing! I made notes when I woke up the next morning and I would like to write this ceremony and film it. It was AWESOME!

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I need to find that balance somewhere…my life was SO out of balance for such a long time. It was all theater and work…no relationship, no home life, no social activities other than with theater folks. Now there is no creative outlet…so, I have to find time to do it. I’ve got some ideas…I’ll post them when I find the time to manifest them!

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No complaints here…just jotting down some ideas today. I am SO VERY BLESSED and this is just a reminder to myself to look for ways to find that balance on a daily basis.

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Blessings and light to each and every one of you!

52.8%

Now that the emotions have calmed a bit, I needed to blog about this.

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On Tuesday, approximately 52.8% of Maine residents voted to repeal gay marriage. While I’m personally at a loss as to why a narrow margin of voters can do something like take marriage away from an individual mostly out of religious beliefs, it’s also important to note that we are on a tipping point. Something dramatic is about to happen on a national level and I can feel it coming.

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A huge battle is being waged and I sense a great deal of turmoil ahead. It’s important to step back and put emotions in check on this issue. And PLEASE…before I go any further, let me say that I appreciate the support I have had from my friends and family. Plus, I have had many Catholic, Mormon, Jewish, and friends from other faiths who do not understand why many churches are supporting this legal discrimination disguised as morality. It sickens them…as well it should sicken all Americans who believe in freedom. But, the conservative and religious right have decided their religious freedoms are under attack by gay marriage (as if no one else’s rights are as important as theirs). I personally believe that if there is a hell, people like James Dobson and Maggie Gallagher would burn in it for the pain they have caused millions of gay and lesbian Americans…but fortunately, I don’t believe in hell. I simply think they will learn their lesson in the form of karmic retribution. And from where I sit, I focus every day on sending them love and positive energies that they may see how much pain they are causing in this world and stop.

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But here are the reasons I am seeing a turning point…

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We now have five states in which gay marriage is available and several others that offer domestic partnerships or civil unions. Washington state has apparently preserved ‘everything but marriage’ and California has the same plus approximately 18,000 gay couples who remain married after prop 8 passed.  Also, we now recognize marriages from other states that happened before prop 8 and any others afterwards are automatically viewed as civil unions.

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The result of all of these different legal arrangements is a hodge-podge network of laws regarding gays and lesbians in this country. They differ from each other from state to state and a gay couple only has to drive across a state line to find they are without any rights at all. Such was the case with a lesbian couple who had a domestic partnership in their home state and happened to be on vacation in Florida. One suffered a life-threatening conditioned and even though her partner, Janice, provided the hospital with a medical power of attorney, Janice was not allowed to see her partner for the 36 hours she was in the trauma center because she was not family…nor would the hospital allow their children to see their mother before she died. The woman died alone in a trauma center in a strange place far from home. Her partner was told by the hospital official that she was in "an anti-gay city in an anti-gay state"…and the worst part is that a federal judge ruled the hospital was under no obligation to let Janice or the children have visitation. Now, that should be enough to piss off even the most anti-gay person in the country, but apparently they don’t care. Their rhetoric is they don’t mind us having civil unions but preserve marriage for a man and a woman …but in truth, they really don’t want us to have any rights as families as they just proved trying to vote down civil unions in the state of Washington.

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In Texas, a gay couple who had married in another state filed for divorce. The Texas AG intervened in the case and would not allow the divorce to proceed because Texas does not recognize gay marriage. So, what are these men supposed to do? They had agreed on an amicable arrangement and filed all the necessary papers, so are they stuck in a marriage they no longer want? A Texas federal judge recently ruled that Texas’ constitutional amendment against gay marriage was invalid based on the 14th amendment of the US which undoubtedly riled up a lot of conservatives in that state. It is now working its way through the courts. In Wisconsin, the religious right is fighting domestic partnerships for 900 couples because their state constitutional amendment prohibits arrangements that are similar to marriage and similar fights are going on in Utah as well.

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In California, there are 18,000 legally married gay couples. We now have 5 different legally recognized family arrangements: heterosexual marriages, civil unions performed in the state, civil unions or domestic partnerships performed in other states, and gay couples married between May and November of 2008 (the group my husband and I are proud to be a part of) either in California or another state prior to Prop 8.  Now the state has to manage all of these arrangements and determine the legality of each one. I personally have to carry my marriage license to prove that James and I are married when filling out paperwork for any work benefits and I know that if he and I were to visit my family in North Carolina, it wouldn’t matter if I have the license or not. We would be at the mercy of their laws…though; they would have to arrest me to keep me out of the hospital room if something were to happen to my husband and even then, I would not go quietly or without one hell of a fight. Trust me.

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On a positive note, Congress has recently passed a gay hate crimes bill in the form of the Matthew Shepard act. They are about to vote on adding gays and lesbians to the list of protections against discrimination in employment and housing and it should pass given the current makeup of the House and Senate. New Jersey and New York are possibly about to embark on new gay marriage legislation as is the District of Columbia…and in the wake of other anti-gay legislation, some states are introducing more “everything but marriage” laws to give gays and lesbians most of the benefits of marriage without the name. Perhaps the most important thing to remember in all of this is that the next generation is on board with gay marriage. Most of them realize that this is not an impact to their lives and don’t understand why it’s such a divisive issue for everyone else. Gay marriage is going to happen in their lifetime.

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All of these scenarios have led us to a fork in the road and now it’s just a matter of which way we go. There is a lawsuit to overturn prop 8 in federal court going to trial in January. Massachusetts has filed a lawsuit against the federal government to overturn DOMA. There is a bill to overturn DOMA in Congress right now, but there isn’t enough support to bring it to a full vote yet but IF the Democrats are able to push the anti-discrimination bill through, it will put us on new legal standing. At some point in the very near future, the US Supreme Court will have to rule for or against gay and lesbian equality because this hodge-podge is not working. How can the promise of freedom and equality for ALL Americans be realized if we lose our equality at a state border? How am I equal if the federal government refuses to recognize my marriage or I have to spend half a million dollars over my lifetime for benefits hetrosexual marriages get under the law? People like Justice Scalia would have no problem overturning every gay marriage and civil union law in this country, but if they were to do that, there would be hell to pay because gays and lesbians will be out in the streets with torches and pitchforks. I personally wouldn’t want to be anywhere close to a Mormon or Catholic church if that were to happen because there would be no stopping that mob.

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But on the other hand, if they rule that all states have to honor gay marriages in other states, Gallagher and Dobson will rally their troops in a holy war as well.

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This is a very divisive issue even though it really shouldn’t be. So, you see…one way or another, something major is about to happen and all hell is about to break loose in the next 2 or 3 years. Get ready because this could be the next “civil” war. I don’t see either side giving up regardless of what happens in courts or legislatures or the ballot box any time in the near future.  Maybe NOM is right...there is a "gathering storm."  If so, they created it!

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Maybe this is what 2012 is really all about!!

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Blessings and light to you!