In awe...

I’m sitting at my desk in total awe today. It’s October 30th. Less than four weeks until Thanksgiving. Less than eight weeks until Christmas. And somehow, we’re barreling toward the end of the decade like a runaway sleigh. I swear it was just last week I was celebrating my 40th birthday with friends and family — and now, in exactly 13 months, I’ll be turning 50. Dear Lord… how the hell did that happen?

Now don’t get me wrong — I’m not afraid of getting older. I actually kind of love it. I look to the future with hope, curiosity, and a healthy dose of “what’s next?” When I reach the end of this wild ride, I want to look back with joy, gratitude, and maybe even a little pride. Sure, I’ve made mistakes. Plenty. But they’re part of the story. They remind me how far I’ve come and where I’m headed.

This week, I heard that a former co-worker, Margot Berry, passed away suddenly. I’m sending love to her family and friends today. Her funeral is this afternoon, and I’m sad I can’t attend. It’s just another reminder of how fleeting life is — and how important it is to spend our time wisely. Hug the people you love. Say the things you mean. Eat the damn dessert.

On the spiritual front, I’m in one of those “let’s learn everything” phases. I’ve taken four hypnosis classes and am now certified in basic hypnosis, past life regression, and smoking cessation. My current obsession? Reiki healing. It’s peaceful, grounding, and weirdly wonderful. I know some of my spiritual interests might sound odd to others, but honestly? Most belief systems are a little odd if you zoom out far enough. I mean, the idea of an omnipotent being orchestrating an epic battle between good and evil that ends in a global apocalypse led by an anti-Christ? That’s some serious sci-fi. So I figure my path is no stranger than anyone else’s.

Quick life update: I LOVE LOVE LOVE my job. My boss is fantastic, the work is challenging, and yes, some of the personalities I work with make me want to take up interpretive screaming. But overall, I’m grateful. James and I are still in wedded bliss, and we’re continuing to fight the good fight for marriage equality. Prop 8 will die — it’s just a matter of time. I’m lighting candles and sending prayers that Question 1 in Maine goes down in flames next Tuesday too. I believe hearts and minds are opening across the country, and I pray daily to let go of the bitterness I still carry toward those who vote for these hateful initiatives. It’s a work in progress.

Nearly a year after that awful election that stripped marriage rights from so many of us in California, I still wish the folks who voted for Prop 8 could sit in front of a TV and watch the Supreme Court dissolve their marriages against their will. Not out of spite — but because I think that kind of pain would crack their hearts open. Compassion has a way of sneaking in through the cracks.

A friend recently reminded me that as a white man, I don’t know what it’s like to be visibly discriminated against. I can hide the fact that I’m gay — Black folks can’t hide their skin. And while I understand that, I also believe hiding who you are is its own kind of violence. I lived in shame for years, and my failed suicide attempt in 1991 is proof that secrecy can be deadly. Living openly is hard, but it’s the only way I know how to survive.

Anyway — I didn’t sit down during this lunch break to wax poetic about gay rights or spiritual awakenings. I sat down to say this: I love you. Sincerely. I see the spark of the divine in every person I meet. Sometimes I have to squint to find it, but it’s always there. Even the most villainous heart has a flicker of light buried deep inside. And I’m making it my daily practice to look for that spark in everyone.

Sharing another pic from the Santa Monica pier, where I attended a spiritual conference on October 16th–18th. More on that soon.

Until then — be kind, be curious, and don’t forget to breathe.

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Blessings and light to you on this glorious day!

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Ray