Old friends...

I was blessed yesterday to be reunited online with an old and dear friend.  I hadn't talked to her since 1987.  We caught up via email for the past couple of days and it's been great to share where my life path has gone and to see where hers has taken her.

Part of going back and talking to people from your past brings up not only good memories, but also the not-so-good.  I was a much different person in the mid-80's.  I was hiding in the closet...afraid to lose my job and my friends and my family if I came out.  I became self-destructive and did a lot of things that I'm not proud of...so, those memories have been flooding back as well.

Often I say to myself, "If I could go back and change certain things about my past, but still know what I know now...how would my life be different?"  Well, the answer is...I can't do it.  And let's face it...the person we are at this very moment is defined by all of those experiences; the good and the bad.  If I had not made all of those mistakes in my younger years, I might still be making them and not be the person I am now.

I've not made amends with everyone for things that happened in the years between 1983 and 1986...not for lack of trying, but for not having a response to my attempts to reach out.  And in some cases, the people involved are no longer with us...but, I believe I have made amends with those folks through prayer and meditation.  The others who are still with us have ignored my letters and emails, so I can only assume they wish to let sleeping dogs lie.  And at this point in my life, so would I.  I have moved on.

The truth of the matter is...I have so many blessings in my life now that may not have materialized if I had done things differently 25 years ago.  I may not have the friends and the family and the love in my life that I have now if I had not learned the incredibly difficult and painful lessons that I have learned.  So, I need to keep that in mind as I go forward and learn to forgive myself for my own transgressions, past or present.  I'm sorry that I hurt the people that I did and I've done what I can to try and make amends...but I'm glad I made the mistakes and learned from them.

If that makes any sense at all.